The 2021 tightrope of parenting

This is a hard time for parental optimism. 

Take 2020’s multitude of challenges and disappointments.  Then add in 2021’s fatigue, frustration, and depleted motivation.  What do most parents get when they picture their child’s future?  For many, the tightrope feels real. 

Is this harder for adoptive parents?  I wish we had some research findings to answer that question because sometimes the likely guess isn’t accurate.  Before adoption was studied in a systematic and objective way, we used to believe adoption was characterized by long-standing loss, confusion and difficulty.  That turned out to be wrong for the vast majority of adoptions.

In the absence of findings, I will make a case in both directions – worry or optimism? 

The case for more concern

Since adopted kids have already experienced disruption -- loss, transition, adversity -- being affected by a pandemic must be adding insult to injury. They started out with a complex life story at a young age and now they have a pandemic, its social costs and social turmoil to write into that story. 

There is already discussion about the potential negative effects on Gen C (C for Covid).  With all the uncertainty, unpredictability, and limited control that continues to characterize our lives right now, how much complexity can adopted kids be expected to shoulder and still thrive?  This can create a backdrop of worry for adoptive parents and add to the strain of getting through a hard time.  What would make them optimistic?

The case for more optimism

We do have research from past traumatic events in the U.S.  Research that followed up with children who lived through those hard times to find out how they were affected in the long run; major events like the Great Depression, 9/11, and the Boston Marathon bombing.  Those researchers are now reflecting on what influenced how kids fared over time.  There is always great variability in the effect on kids’ development after the same catastrophic event, just as there is to a life event like adoption. 

But what they highlight creates a basis for optimism about your kids and family in 2021 and beyond.  

Family strengths and resilience before an event and after were key to how kids did over the long haul.  Parents anchor their child’s experience of what happened and what is likely to follow. This might not be the easiest time to take stock of your strengths and resilience since we’re largely depleted.  However, I want to suggest some things based on what I know about adoption.

No one becomes an adoptive parent by accident or easily!  Think of the hoops you had to jump through in order to become a family.  What strengths did that take? I’ll start the list and I imagine you will be able to add to it:

You knew how to set a goal and pursue it.  You learned how to be patient and persistent. No one succeeds in adopting without being persistent. 

You learned how to tolerate uncertainty because you had to do a lot of that while you were waiting to become a parent. There were so many things that were unpredictable and unknown.  You might not have felt resilient when you were in the midst of that.

But then, in an instant, someone called to say there was a child who needed you and for whom you had been waiting.  Your flexibility and adaptability kicked in. You leapt into action to do whatever was needed to bring that child into your family!

Perhaps thinking back to that time has highlighted other strengths. Those life experiences prepared you for weathering this pandemic.  They continue to shape your parenting and they will define what your child is surrounded by as things get to a new normal and we all move beyond this.

Even the fact that you are reading this right now reflects another strength; you are connected to resources and a community that values parenting and learning.  Adoptive parents do not take parenting for granted; they are thoughtful and well-read.  The case for optimism is based on what you learned through adopting and what your children are learning from you.  

So the next time you find yourself on that tightrope, consciously shift your focus to one of your family’s strengths.  Your blue umbrella!  Maybe one you honed by virtue of being an adoptive family.  Spend a few minutes giving that strength the full acknowledgement it deserves -- past and present.

At Kinistry we start with strengths and resilience and we hope you will too!  They are a solid reason for optimism about your children.