A little girl, two moms and a balloon

I once worked with a family whose daughter was adopted internationally as a toddler after having lived with a foster family in her birth country since early infancy.  She had a very strong and loving relationship with her foster mother who had grown very attached to her.  In fact, the transition from the foster family to her adoptive family had been extremely precipitous and painful precisely because that bond was so strong. 

I have been thinking about that mother and daughter this week as Mothers’ Day has approached.  They weathered an unusually complex start to their relationship due to the circumstances of that precipitous transition.  What could have easily led to distance, and a lasting mutual wariness between them fortunately didn’t end up that way.  

As the little girl was settling in to her new family, her new home and her new country she gravitated toward her dad.  She played out themes that linked her emotionally to the foster mother she was missing.  She also kept her distance from her new mom.

This caused understandable worry and distress for a mother who wanted nothing more than to comfort and connect with her.  Her mom was fearful that if connection didn’t happen soon, the window might close.  The harder she tried, the longer it seemed this was taking. 

If there ever was a situation that set a new mom up to feel threatened and inadequate in relation to her daughter’s other mother this was it.  There was no bridge between the little girl’s two worlds.  There was no way for this new mom to connect with the foster mom to ease their respective experiences of this painful transition. 

Mother and daughter simply had to navigate the choppy waters of a heart-rending introduction to one another.  The language barrier didn’t make it any easier.  With a little guidance they gradually and patiently figured it out together so that their bond became a solid and affectionate one.

A few years later, when the daughter was 4, the family experienced two scary and disruptive health events within a couple of weeks of each other.  The mom had to single-handedly lead the family through the first of these.  In the course of it her panic got the best of her and she was short with her daughter in the middle of the turmoil.  She felt badly about not having handled it better.  The crisis resolved and life moved on. 

When the second crisis hit, she stayed calmer and her daughter rose to the occasion and helped out in a small but significant way with notable confidence and competence for a child her age.  After that  threat was over, little cracks began to show in her resilience.  The two scares had clearly disrupted her equilibrium. 

Her mother suspected that these crises had stirred up the old loss for both of them.  She brought her daughter back in for what turned out to be a brief, play-based intervention.  The little girl set to work in her play actively narrating and enacting detailed stories that contained conflict, challenges and resolutions.

At the end of the second session the mom reminded her daughter that she had wanted to tell me something.  The little girl was happy to be reminded and she asked me if I knew about the balloons they sell at a local grocery store.  I said I did.  She beamed with pride and excitement as she explained on a recent shopping trip she had picked out a balloon, had it filled with helium and bought it.

Then she took it outside and let it go free so it could travel to her mom.  I told her I loved the story.  She said goodbye and trotted out the door.

Her mom was still standing with me with a proud and happy smile.  She clarified that by “mom” her daughter meant the foster mom, which I had suspected.  Since she was also on her way out the door there wasn't time to find out just how that idea and plan had evolved.  But it was very clear to me that they had once again figured it out together! 

That helium balloon bridged two moms, two homes and two countries.  It undoubtedly arrived at its destination safely.

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Wishing your family a Mothers’ Day with that kind of security, collaboration and joy!