A place to talk adoption; Part 1 -- choosing a guide

Many years ago I got a call at my office from an adoptive mother I’ll call Leslie.  She had an intriguing request that invited me into a potential collaboration.  That collaboration evolved into a long and winding path.  That path eventually arrived at Kinistry, this online venture.  Here is how it started.  

Leslie wanted to know if I would consider leading a monthly parent group focused on adoption. But her request wasn’t an abstract, “Wouldn’t it be great if a group like this existed…?” proposal.   Leslie already had the parents.  This is a group leader’s dream!  Recruiting people for a new group offering can be the human version of herding cats.  The prospect of members who had already decided they wanted to join was definitely appealing.

But what did they have in mind?  Leslie sketched it out.  This group of parents knew their families were on a journey with some unique twists and turns related to adoption.  Since parenting, in general, doesn’t come with a map, and they assumed adoption would make it even trickier, they wanted a guide.  They were looking for someone to organize a time, a space, and a strategy for talking about parenting with an eye to adoption.  I got a little background information and possible dates for a first conversation.

I wondered about how this might unfold.  They didn't want a class, but they wanted more than a casual support group.  There were a few details that seemed potentially tricky.      

The first was the age spread of their kids.  They spanned from first grade to high school.  How would that work?  The experiences and challenges would be so different!  How would I do justice to the needs of a parent of a 6-year-old while addressing the challenges of drivers’ training, dating, and GPA’s?  

A second potential wrinkle might be how interconnected these parents were.  Some had known each other since their kids were little and sounded like close family friends. Others knew one another through work and discovered that they had adoption in common.  Would interconnections be an asset or a liability?  Would parents want to share openly about their challenges and uncertainties?  Would their privacy, and most importantly their children’s privacy, be protected?   

During the call Leslie commented matter-of-factly that, “Moms bear the brunt of the anger.”  The interested group was all moms.  Would strain and conflict dominate the conversation?   That could get tricky.  Then again, no one ever said that groups (or families, for that matter) are simple.  That’s also what makes them so interesting.  

The date came for our first conversation.  The women were insightful, open, and easy to talk with.  There was a spirit of generosity, curiosity, and empathy among them.  They were forthright about challenges, but they didn't seem to dwell on the negative. There was a good vibe of camaraderie and humor. 

These moms wanted a safe space and a knowledgeable guide for their respective and collective parenting journeys.  They wanted to know how child development and family dynamics played out in what was happening at home.  They also wanted to figure out when adoption was and wasn’t a factor; they didn’t want to overlook anything, but they also didn’t want to read into everything.  The fact that I was an adoptive parent and a psychologist seemed to make me a good fit in their eyes. 

It was a lively discussion and we seemed to be off and running….

Stay tuned for Part 2.  Click here if you don't want to miss it!