From confusion to a nugget of adoption wisdom!

I wonder if other people have email lists as tangled as I do?  When I write about my adoption community the reality is that I have many different communities.  (Parents, professionals, research colleagues, etc.)  For the most part I’ve done a good job of keeping them distinct in my address book over the years.  I don’t want to clutter people’s inboxes with things that might not be relevant to them.   But there’s always some crossover – either because there’s an overlap or inadvertently.  

Sometimes there’s magic in the confusion!  I had that happen last month.  I was publicizing a new workshop, called Drawing Together.  My target audience was adoptive parents and the professionals who work with them.  My email blitz went out and I waited to see about interest.

Two days later I got a delightful email from Dr. Rhoda Scherman that seemed to come totally out of the blue.  Her email began:

Kia ora, Kristine, and greetings from someplace where spring is blessedly in the air.

I recognized “Kia ora” as a Maori greeting.  Rhoda relocated many years ago from the U.S. to New Zealand where she is university faculty in New Zealand’s stunning and charming capital city of Auckland.  In fact, I have Rhoda to thank for the fact that I have been to Auckland and the country of Kiwi’s.  In 2016 she hosted the International Conference on Adoption Research (ICAR) and it was a powerful  conference and also a great adventure.  But what a coincidence to hear from her now….

Rhoda’s passion for adoption originates in her own experience as an adoptee.  She chose developmental psychology as a career and somewhere along the line moved to New Zealand where Maori culture has a very different – and far more positive -- view of adoption than that of most other societies.  So Rhoda’s perspective on adoption, family and community is always unique and interesting.

I was delighted to hear from her but still puzzled as I continued reading:

I just wanted to say what a fantastic initiative this workshop is!!! Coming from a developmental psychology background, even though I am not an adoptive parent, I know well the fact that young adoptees have far more questions, ideas, thoughts, etc. on adoption than parents ever realise. (Personal experience as an adoptee informs on that as well.)

Now it’s dawning on me that I had sent her something without meaning to.  An address book tangle at work, but she sounds pretty enthusiastic so it doesn’t seem to have been a bother.

Rhoda goes on to reflect on what adopted children think about as they grow up. Remember, she knows this from personal experience as well as from her research and advocacy in the adoption community:

Seven is often the magic number – age-wise – when children finally have the cognitive capacity to actually articulate some of those questions.  But if parents haven’t opened up a space in which to bring those questions, or worse, seem fearful of them, the children keep them to themselves. 

Rhoda’s choice of words -- opening up a space -- hit the nail on the head.  Drawing Together is one way of opening up a space.  Reminiscing about where your family began and how it has grown opens up a space.  Recalling the stories highlights details.  Your child will be eager to draw some of those details and curious about others.  With paper and markers at the ready, you are jointly creating a scene from family history.  From your child's perspective, they are in a leading role, surrounded by a cast of characters.  Opening up space produces a scene from the one-of-a-kind story of your family’s adventure and the roots of your connection. 

Seven is the average age for more complex questions to be asked about what adoption means.  But families who have opened up that space at younger ages have children who don’t suddenly wonder at 7.  They’ve been composing their understanding along the way.  Sometimes they’ve been wanting to talk and their parents haven’t realized it.    

Open space moments are important throughout any family’s life, but especially in adoption.  As kids get older it might not be stories and drawings that are the most natural routes to opening up space.  The best strategy for any family is to build on open times in your family that are spontaneous and casual.  (I’ll write more about other approaches in the new year.)  Over the holidays, be on the lookout for open space times and notice when they happen.

I asked Rhoda if I could share her reflections and she replied, “Happy to help out in any way I can, as I agree with you that this is such an important message for adoptive parents.”  Significance, enthusiasm,  a generous and respected colleague, and spring in the air! Now you see what I meant by magic out of confusion.  Perhaps my most fortunate mistake of 2020!  😉

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