Will this film be naughty or nice?

 I was reminded of a fantastic resource for adoptive parents by the last Kinistry Café.  It is especially timely during the holiday season.  Sunday’s Kinistry Café conversation proved once again that a network of adoptive parents and thoughtful exchanges among them produce great discoveries with wide-ranging benefits. 

Part of the conversation was about holiday traditions related to adoption.  I mentioned holiday movies as one common tradition, since lots of families have more time for movie-watching and typical holiday favorites.  Sometimes these are adoption-friendly… sometimes not!

Several years ago a mom who had been in my Inquisitive Minds workshop (focused on communication with very young children about adoption) sent me this account of a movie experience. 

Our family recently watched Elf (the Christmas movie) which does a terrible job of portraying adoption: the father never told the son he was adopted until he overheard other elves discussing it, he calls his father "papa elf," and they all refer to his birthfather who is not aware of his birth or existence as "Dad." Ugh!  

 But it did offer an opportunity for us to tell our kids that we like much of the movie however in our opinion the writers just don't understand about how adoption really works and to tell them we disagree with how it is portrayed.  We tried to keep it concrete and remind them that Papa Elf is Elf's Dad and "Dad" in the movie is his birthfather, but I think it may end up a helpful thing to have seen this movie after all!

This is a great example of how a movie parents might have shielded their kids from can prompt a valuable conversation.  Times like these nudge (or shove!) parents into discovering what they can talk their way through with their kids and how negative or inaccurate portrayals of adoption can be countered.

In Sunday’s cafe that Elf story prompted discussion of another movie, seemingly family-friendly and innocuous:  Clifford, The Big Red Dog.  Not a holiday movie, but just released on November 10^th with a big splash.  This Clifford remake has a story line that blind-sided one family.  According to the mom who spoke about it, the vivid depiction of how Clifford ended up alone was the most upsetting aspect.  But she also found the movie problematic for young kids in other ways.  No forewarning in the trailer, of course.

So, when you’re caught in that situation do you whisk your kids away?  Hard call, especially when everyone has been excited to see the movie!  Do you blame yourself for not having seen this disaster coming?  That’s what parents often do. “Why didn’t I know?!?!”   But adoption and abandonment are so rampant in popular media, how can you?  (I wrote a blog about the latest Grinch remake negatively co-opting adoption last year.)

This family coped logistically and creatively to weather the storm and rescue a much-anticipated outing.  That’s what adoptive families typically do!  And often, like the earlier story, there’s a silver lining.

In this case the silver lining is that hearing this Clifford story reminded me that there used to be a website of movie reviews.  I found it again: Adoption at the Movies, even better than when I first found it. 

This website is an amazing resource and clearly a labor of love for Addison Cooper (not to be confused with Anderson... ;-)) , an adoption social worker.  He loves his work, loves movies and manages to post one review a week!  There’s even a book of his reviews, notable because it was published by a publisher in the UK that is known for authoritative adoption books.

Addison hasn’t gotten to Clifford yet, but I bet he will! It comes out on DVD and streaming in February.

Check out this valuable website and consider supporting Addison’s endeavor.  Use it, tell others about it; contribute to its support if you’re able.  His reviews will alert you to movies you may choose to avoid, or at least be prepared for. 

Even more importantly, Addison has a list of movies that portray adoption positively.  He has it subdivided into good films for parents and good ones for kids/families.  In all his reviews he mentions strong points as well as problematic aspects.  He also suggests topics a film might open up, with potential conversational openers.   

Whether you use it for movie reviews or not, reading Addison’s commentary is a great way for parents to get glimpses into feelings and experiences their children might have. Given his experience working in foster care and adoption he’s an excellent source for themes relevant to how children and youth look at their world and their own lives.

Many adoption movie reviews reflect how parents see the movie.  Very often their children perceive it very differently.  Sometimes these themes hit kids harder than parents.  On the other hand, many times what bothers parents doesn’t trouble kids.  Either it goes over their heads or they just take it completely differently. (Reminder: there is no one-size-fits-all, so consider and be curious… but don’t make assumptions.)

Adoption at the Movies is a treasure trove.  I love the fact that the rediscovery came out of a Kinistry chain of events linking families across years and across the country.  The timing couldn’t have been better! 

Thanks to all the parents who make the Kinistry community a thoughtful and wide-ranging resource and especially to these two moms for sharing their stories. 

Enjoy your popcorn!  And may all your holiday movies be nice.