A place to talk adoption, Part 3 -- how different perspectives help

As the Moms’ Group was getting off the ground and establishing its format, there were some ruffled feathers at Leslie’s home one evening.  She arrived at the meeting eager to vent.  As she was getting ready to leave the house her daughter, Rachel, challenged her accusingly. “Why do you need a shrink?!” 

You might remember (from Part 1) that Leslie had commented in her first conversation with me that “moms bear the brunt of the anger”.  She arrived on this evening with an interpretation of what had just taken place that fell along these lines.  More bearing of the brunt.

The group took discussion of her account in a slightly different direction.  Someone noted that most parents are far more likely to be pronounced in-need-of-a-shrink by their children than not in need.  Others agreed that this was a novel twist!  What seemed to be going on here? 

The collective brainstorming that followed generated some interesting questions:  Did Rachel imagine that her mom was going to a therapy group just because there was a psychologist hosting the meetings? Could she be envious?  As in, “Why do you get to go talk to someone?”  Or, “Why do you get to go and talk with a group who will support you?” 

If Rachel really meant to say, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Mom.”, then how might she be explaining the tension between them to herself?  “If it’s not Mom, maybe we’re having a hard time because of … me?!”.

Or maybe Rachel lobbed this cherry bomb as an offensive maneuver because she felt vulnerable that her mom might talk about her in the meeting.  (Which, of course, was guaranteed by the timing.)   

There were many ways to look at this small exchange. We didn’t settle on one. We didn’t approach it as if there was one right answer.  What our conversation touched on was possibilities.  Different ways to look at what was going on, not definitive answers.  Ways to look at it that took Rachel’s perspective into account along with Leslie’s.

The group moved on to updates from other moms.  More consideration of different ways to think about family situations. Brainstorming with open minds about various points of view and complex motivations.  To paraphrase the old adage slightly… “many heads are better than one”.  Looking at a situation from several different angles usually leads to more options and lessens knee-jerk reactions. 

If Leslie left the meeting curious about which of the various possibilities might fit Rachel’s experience most closely, the discussion would prove helpful.  She would be likely to return home with more openness and less annoyance.  The rest of us were curious about what might happen next.  By the next meeting the whole incident seemed distant in the rearview mirror to Leslie.  It hadn’t happened again. 

My primary takeaway from the Moms’ Group experience was the power of perspective-taking with many heads involved.  Entertaining various possibilities with curiosity and respect in a circle of support, even for just 90 minutes a month, eased tensions in these homes.  It wasn’t immediate and it certainly wasn’t magical, but we watched things shift over time. 

In contrast to my initial concern that the wide age range of the kids across these families would be a challenge, it turned out to be an asset.  It broadened our focus beyond the ups and downs of a narrow age range.  It reminded us to think of a process of growth and connection unfolding over years. 

Many years later, Leslie came to a Moms’ Group meeting after a stay of a few weeks with Rachel, who had just had her first child.  Grandma Leslie described a magical moment.  In the bustle of new routines, Rachel was nursing her hungry baby.  But she hadn’t had time to feed herself.  Leslie dished up some food.  As Rachel fed the baby, Leslie fed her.  The significance of that tender chain of nurturance was not lost on Leslie as it happened.  No brunt of anger anywhere in their vicinity.  The story wasn’t lost on us either.    

My aim for Kinistry, as an online resource, is to bring adoptive parents together, easily, regularly, and without geographic limitations.  Years of experience with this kind of connection have taught me that the creative possibilities that unfold out of the group are powerful and unique.  Parents supporting each other as they, in turn, support their children.

One new sounding board, Kinistry Café, will be coming soon!