A place to talk adoption; Part 2 -- meeting parents' needs

Part 1 in this series described how a group of adoptive moms asked me to organize a monthly meeting to focus on parenting with an eye to adoption.  They wanted to lighten the load of parenting by supporting one another while learning more about families’ experiences beyond their own. It was that open-ended and that simple: a place to talk about adoption.

It never had a formal name and it didn’t start out with a pre-designed structure.  It was just a good idea and there were people who wanted to see it happen!  When we had to call it something it became the Moms’ Group. 

It didn't purposely start out to be moms only.  Dads weren’t excluded.  They just weren’t looking for a place to talk.  Maybe they would have if they’d been invited*, but it seemed these moms wanted to claim these 90 minutes once a month as a space of their own.   

On the evenings of our meetings, my office seemed like a living room.  We didn’t have a topic or an agenda.  We sat over tea with the agreed-upon focus of family, being a mom, and adoption.  In no particular order, each mom gave an update about whatever seemed most relevant to her about the last month for her family.  That starting point took us in interesting directions every meeting.

In any month one mom might walk in feeling defeated and worried.  She might just need to vent about the continuing frustration over an issue at home that still wasn’t solved.

Another mom might still be processing a question that came out of the blue from her child who was suddenly digging a little deeper into understanding their adoption. Or just want to share the aggravation of another encounter with someone whose offhand comment subtly questioned how real adoptive ties could possibly be.  

Someone’s update might be a small victory on one of those stubborn issues at home.  Another might be excited to share about the fun and relief of planning a celebration of a big victory -- a tough school year finished with success, a championship won, a driver’s license earned, or the logistics of a graduation party. 

The key to the Mom’s Group was that no single mood or theme dominated our meetings.  Every month it was predictably variable.  Each of their updates touched on bigger questions about how families work and the remarkable capacity they have to cope and thrive.  Those reflections were relevant to all of us.  The conversations were rich because they were thoughtful.  What each mom took away at the end of the meeting might be completely different.

One mom aptly captured how the group helped her between times.  She was going through a rough time with one of her kids.  On this particular night, her update started with an example of the continuing, periodic flare-ups at home.  But it was obvious to the rest of us as we listened that she was responding differently in those heated moments.  Something was shifting.  One of the other moms pointed out to her how much her response, and the interaction between the two of them, had changed from just a couple of months before.  She paused for a few seconds.  Then she smiled and said, “I just think to myself that I have the Moms’ Group in my pocket!”.

People left those meetings feeling recharged, even if they were returning to a hard situation.  And they collectively showed the importance of the group to them, by way of steady attendance over many years.

*At the same time, once the group had been running for awhile the dads’ interest and input was often relayed back by their wives.  The group’s conversations did travel home and spark conversations there too. 

In Part 3, I’ll be laying out my vision for what I’d like Kinistry to provide for adoptive parents and families! 

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